Extracts from Sunday: Can you be my mistress?

“Hey, I am in London now and wondered if you’d like to meet up for a drink.”

“You know, since I have my car here, I thought maybe we could drive to Windsor and have a look around?”

“When I first met <my wife> she was 19.”

“You know, the only reason I married her was because I couldn’t get rid of her! She was totally in love with me!”

“So I took care of her, you know. I let her stayed in one of my flats. It’s like that you know. You take care of people, they take care of you.”

“I’m a man of action. I mean, if I married someone my age, today, all she would want to do is sit at home you know? That is not me at all.”

“Oh yeah, I was in the merchant navy, and I travelled all around the world. I lived in Australia for a while…I lived in New Zealand.”

“Oh yeah, those were the days. The girls in New Zealand….you know, they are strong healthy chicks…”

“I have several properties around London. You know, there’s this flat in Hyde Park that has 6 girls. Yeah, all of them pretty girls.”

“I used to work as a photographer too. I took photos of naked women sometimes. But you gotta be careful you know. We got arrested once in New Zealand, and that really put me off.”

“Oh yeah, I like to meet up for a chat with guys too you know. I meet guys too. There are some really interesting guys.”

“I am flying first class to Thailand on Tuesday.”

“You know, I’m a travelling man, and I like company.”

“Of course I won’t tell <my wife> that I’ve met up with you. What?! You’d tell your boyfriend? Look, let me tell you something, sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Sometimes, it’s better not to know too much, you know?”

“Yeah, there was this time when I met up with this girl in Slovenia, and one thing led to another, you know, and we had a cuddle. But of course I wasn’t going to tell <my wife>. Why would I?”

“You know, I’ve taken many girls out, but you are the first Oriental girl I have taken out.”

“You look really nice in your jeans.”

“Well, I’m in a position in life where I am able to help people and provide for them. The reason I called you is that there is this room available in one of my properties here in London, and if you are ever in trouble, or if you need any help, it’s available.”

“You know, if you’d like to, we can go back to my place and I can cook up something for dinner.”

“How involved are you in your relationship?”

“Look, I took a long time to think about whether to call you or not. I cannot spend time with you if you are involved with someone else.”

“You think I’d call you out just for a drink? I have 30 tenants around here and they are all young pretty girls. I can drink with any of them I want.”

“This is just a waste of time.”


Yes, those are things that were actually said by my white-haired ex-landlord in his late 50s/early 60s. And over the course of the afternoon, that is how conversation progressed.

I don’t know how “meeting up for a drink” turned into “taking an Oriental girl out”. What are we? Still living in the colonial era?

I took comfort in the fact that I’d put my pen-knife in my pocket and that I can always out-punch, out-kick, and out-run him.

To be honest, I don’t know what to make of it, except that it contributed to a very bad weekend.

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