(Nasty makes fun of things I write here. And worst, he reads my posts back to me and laughs out loud. Hmpf. He is called Nasty afterall.
Well, Nasty? Take this.)
It has never occurred to me that body checks for men are any different from women’s.
(Okay OKAY! Just hold on a minute and listen first alright?!)
Really. When people mention “body check”, all I envision are the simple things like height, weight, pulse and blood pressure, pee and poo, blood work and the occasional chest x-ray and ECG.
To me, the blood work tests for all sorts of things and it’s all we need.
And to me, the let-a-stranger-feel-your-boobs test and the Pap smear fall under a different category: the female tests, that I do not group under “body check”.
With the media saying so much about female health nowadays, and government and health groups promoting breast- and cervical-cancer prevention, I’ve managed to always think that only women have “special” tests.
I mean, have you ever heard of penis cancer? No? So haven’t I. So they wouldn’t have any special tests right? (I mean, really, what else do they have?!)
So I was completely taken aback when Nasty told me that men have special tests too.
1) (what I call the) Cough Balls
Here, you drop your pants, and some dude comes and grab your balls. Then you cough.
That’s it. (Yeah, unfair right?! Just wait till you get to #2 and #3 below. Ha!)
Apparently, when a guy coughs, their balls are supposed to move up a bit. (Yeah, huh?) And if your balls don’t move up when you cough, then something is wrong. (I don’t know what. Enlighten me please.)
So imagine a whole load of guys joining the army, and they line up, and one by one they drop their pants in front of this dude, who does the test. So…this dude spends the whole time grabbing balls after balls after balls. After balls.
2) The Two-Fingers-Up-Your-Arse Prostate Test
Here, you drop your pants, bend over, and some dude sticks two fingers up your arse to feel your prostate.
I suddenly think spreading my legs for a Pap smear is actually not that bad anymore.
However, since that sounds a bit, um, dodgy, I decided do some scientific research: searching on Wiki.
And yes, physical examination as a means of prostate cancer diagnosis is very uncommon. These days, as with most other diseases, a blood work and biopsy does the trick.
Which leads us to the…
3) Shoot-a-Gun-Up-Your-Arse Prostate Test
Ah. You’ll love this.
You know what happens when you do a biopsy of the prostate? I’m not even gonna try. Here is a direct quote from Wiki:
During a biopsy a urologist or radiologist obtains tissue samples from the prostate via the rectum. A biopsy gun inserts and removes special hollow-core needles (usually three to six on each side of the prostate) in less than a second.
The only test which can fully confirm the diagnosis of prostate cancer is a biopsy.
I think the only thing better than having needles shot up your arse is…um…nothing. :D
When I do eventually make my way to the women’s health centre for strangers to peer into my coochie, I’m going to remember that at least I don’t have to endure things shooting up my arse.
(Now laugh, Nasty. Laugh all you want! Ha!)