jungle bathrooms, soiled sheets, and a giant dildo jelly

Nasty and I missed our last train home.

So we were stranded in Brighton.

I didn’t know that, apparently, most girls scream and whine about not being able to go home, not having a change of clothes for the next day, not having her make-up with her, not being able to shower, etc, etc.

So I didn’t.

Instead, my first thought was, upon watching the train drive off, probably: Cool! We’re stranded in Brighton! Can we sleep in the train station?!

To my (slight) disappointment, we didn’t have to sleep in the train station.

Nasty called Jonny, who we were having drinks with at a pub until we realized we might not make the last train home, and he generously allowed us to stay at his place.

Nearing his home, we saw this drunk dude stumbling down the street across the road from us.

Nasty said, “Ha! Look at that drunk dude!”

“Wait a minute…holy shit! It’s Jonny!”

“JONNY! JONNY!”

Turned out Jonny wasn’t walking straight, wasn’t talking straight. He’d just did a line of K.

I thought it was absolutely hilarious. It’s the first time I’ve actually seen anyone high on anything. Very funny. Very amusing.

So Jonny, half skipping, half floating, led us to his place.

The place is amazing. In terms of artsy value, messiness, and dirty-ness.

It’s the messiest house I’ve ever seen. Also the dirtiest I’ve ever seen. Yet also the most artsy house I’ve ever been in.

This is a place where bikes are parked on sofas, laundry line the staircase which people trod on (not over), a seat ripped from a Ferrari (?) is in the living room as furniture, a canvas piece of art hangs inverted on the ceiling, the kitchen looks like a BBQ bomb had exploded, and where the bathroom looks like this:

We were trying to make tea, searching for mugs, spoons, tea bags and milk in the bombed-out kitchen, when Nasty opened the fridge.

He closed it, and said, “There’s a huge dildo-shaped jelly mold thing in the fridge!”

Riiiight. I didn’t even bother looking. I wasn’t even that surprised anymore. I think the house just overwhelmed and then desensitized me…

So we headed back up to the living room with our teas, sat around watching The End of Days, and then two of Jonny’s housemates came home.

Introductions aside, they disappeared, and then came back with some bowls and spoons, a tub of ice-cream and a large chopping board….on top of which is a gigantic dildo-shaped jelly.

OMG.

(I guess I’m not as desensitized as I thought.)

I so wanted to take a picture of it, the hilarity of the whole situation, and the rest of the house for that matter, but…I have to say I’m not thick-skinned enough.

Everyone grabbed a bowl and started taking the penis apart, slurping it down with the ice-cream.

My first thought was: I’m eating dildo-shaped jelly in this weird-ass house with a group of strangers.

My second thought was: The mold in which this jelly was made is actually some sort of discarded packaging found outside a gay sex shop somewhere in Brighton.

When I knew that, I almost gagged.

As funny as this whole thing is, I politely refused further servings of dick and ice-cream.

Plus the dick tasted wierd.

And then we realize it’s the chopping board. The board still had garlic on it.

My third thought was: If they didn’t wash the board, and if the house and kitchen is as bombed out as it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t thoroughly wash the dick mold.

I gagged some more.

Festivities aside, Nasty and I were exhausted. So Jonny showed us up to this room of his housemates’ who were away that night.

The bedroom is just as bombed out. And just as artsy.

In fact, the entire house feels like it’s coated in some sort of….sticky goo. You seriously want to keep your hands away from any surface.

But saying that, again, it is the coolest house I’ve ever been in.

Nasty and I pulled the blanket aside….only to reveal pillows with dirt-prints and a sheet with huge white stains.

I have no desire to know what goes on in that bed. Or when was the last time the sheets were cleaned.

We eventually pulled the sheet out and just slept on the bedding underneath, precariously covering ourselves with the one blanket. I think it does us no good to think too much about the blanket too.

Nasty apologized for not being able to go home and having to spend the night like that.

Really? I think it was one of the coolest things to happen on the trip!

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