As if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been in the dumps for a while now.
I blame a lot of things for my circumstances. For my present location, situation, and…being.
I blame my working environment. I blame my colleagues (or lack thereof). I blame the country for not having the opportunities that I want.
I blame my situation with Nasty. I blame my upcoming two-week holiday in the UK.
I blame the nature of my work. Then I blame the lack of enough work. And in the past couple of days, when I do have more than enough work, I go back to blaming everything non-work.
I blame the end of hockey season. I blame my friends for being too busy. I blame the long bus rides home.
And then I read this article.
It’s about making choices. Making decisions.
Things don’t just happen to you.
We can’t blame the system. We have choices, and we have to make the decisions, no matter how tough they are. We have to take responsibility. Even the choice to change nothing is a choice in itself.
As certain people know too well (unfortunately), I’m not a big decision maker. I hate making decisions. I can’t make decisions.
Whether it is about big things like jobs and relationships, or small things like where to go for dinner and which shirt to buy, I’m not a fan of decision-making.
Perhaps, on an sub-conscious level, by not choosing, I relieve myself of any responsibility.
And instead, I blame the moon, the stars, the weather, the economy, my parents, and my shoes.
Recently, I feel like I’ve been putting my life on hold. Waiting. Like everything is not within my control.
Wait. Go. Wait. Go. Wait. Wait. Go.
Like someone’s press pause and slo-mo at the same time.
As if you feel like running, but someone hits pause. You try and try with all your might to run through the pause, but all you get are agonizingly slow movements of your flailing limbs.
See? I said “someone”. It always isn’t me.
Something else the article also says:
“How do you know when to change jobs? Sometimes, of course, it’s very obvious. Many times, though, you can look at the rest of your life and see if that’s the problem, and not your job. Work cannot fulfill all our needs. Be careful not to change jobs in order to get something that you don’t need to get from a job. Like someone who cares about you, for example. If that’s really what your life is missing, changing jobs won’t help. All jobs have bad parts to them…..Ask yourself if you can fix your job before you change. Also ask youself if you will have the same touble at another job you choose.”
That’s why I feel stuck. Because I need to sort out the rest of my life, before I can decide on what to do with my job.
And so I’m waiting. And whining. And waiting.
But let’s try something new. Instead of being a victim of my circumstances, let’s try choosing and making decisions.
Instead of saying “I don’t know” to everything, let’s say I do know. I know this:
I am sitting here because I have chosen to wait. By all means, I can certainly choose to go fuck all, not care, not wait, and do whatever. But I have chosen to wait.
Not that it’s easy. Nor is it fun. But it’s what I’ve chosen.
In the mean time, I really need to find something to make waiting more fun.
…like spending the whole day in the sun, playing hockey, and getting bad sunburn all over your face (while a fairy and a beaver stroll by behind you….)