Standing at the morning bus queue

Having slept at 10pm last night, trying to ward off another bout of cold/flu that I can feel coming up, I should get up this morning feeling refreshed right?

Wrong.

I slouched out of bed, aware that I’ve had absolutely enough rest, but yet can’t bring myself to award anyone any morning cheer. My aunt walked out of her bedroom and patted me on my head as I squat in the living room trying to be friendly with my cat. I stared at her.

Actually, not just morning cheer…..evening after-work cheer….dinner cheer….night-time cheer……any cheer at all is totally out of my system right now.

I eventually dragged myself to the bus stop. I looked at all the suits and ties and skirts and heels queuing up behind me, all devoid of cheer, and I feel a certain ping of sadness.

I have become Just Another Office Drone.

How sad.

And as I stood there, watching buses rush by, full buses that I can’t get on, buses that ladies in tight skirts stumble after in their heels and flapping tote bags, I feel sad for my younger selves.

The child who drew pictures and dreamed of becoming an artist. The teenager who loved Worldview class and stayed in during break to discuss religion and philosophy with Toby and Mr. Darren. The high school graduate who thought she’ll improve the lives of people everywhere through science. The university student who’s favourite class in uni. was God, Stephen Hawking and the Big Bang and whom the professor gifted with several really cool books.

And guess what, I’m now just another woman in some carefully-ironned pants and heels standing in a bus queue with innumerable others just like her who hates the guy who shaves on the bus going buzz-buzz-buzzzzz throughout the 1 hour ride into town.

And just as I’ve asked this question so many times before, here I ask again:

What am I doing here?

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2 thoughts on “Standing at the morning bus queue

  1. Many of us do too. (Just to look on the bright side, you know. heh)

    In fact, one of my morning office rituals is to browse those blogs and websites….people who’ve broken free, people who’re trying, websites that encourage you to, websites that try to help you to…..

    Eventually, one of my friends said: Look, just as there are people out there who ran away from life-like-this, there are many many many more who stay in this life, and they are all doing perfectly fine. So why can’t you?

    She has a point. Her idea is that all I’m doing is wishfully peeking at the other side, not having the courage to go through. And all I’m doing is torturing myself. All I’m doing is not being responsible for where I am now and what I do now. Instead of focusing and concentrating my efforts here, I have my hands on the bars, staring out the window. And that is not doing anyone any good.

    I’m starting to think she’s right. But still I can’t help but look, wish and dream…..

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