You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2009.
Things don’t seem to like turning out the way they should for me these days…
This evening, I decided that I will go and see a live stand-up comic in a cozy little pub theatre. I have never seen live comedy before, and with the title of Happiness, I figured things couldn’t go too wrong.
I showed up at the pub half an hour before the show to get tickets, hoping that they haven’t sold out.
I opened a door signed Box Office and walked up the narrow stairs. I thought it was strangely quiet, but hey, who am I to know? Never been to a pub theatre either. (It is essentially a theatre and a pub in the same building, with the theatre upstairs, and the pub downstairs.)
I was greated at the top of the stairs by a tall skinny man with glasses.
Tall skinny man smiled (I thought strangely): Yes?
Me: Hi! I’m here to get tickets to the show starting at 6:30?
TSM looked at me, jaw dropping open.
I decided I’ll drop my jaw too. Maybe this is what people do what you buy tickets to see a comedy show.
TSM closed his mouth, composed himself and said: Umm. I think the show is cancelled.
Me: What?! (He thinks?! He doesn’t know?! And I’ve just checked the website 2 hours prior!)
TSM: <pause> Um, yeah…I think you’re the only one who’s shown up for it.
Me: WHAT?! (This time my mouth involuntarily drops.)
TSM: Well hold on, let me go downstairs and ask.
He bobbed down the steps and I after him.
On the way down, TSM: So how do you know about this show?
Me: The theatre website…(I feel as if I’m not supposed to know about it?)
I got back downstairs, looked around and realise that the comic himself is standing at the bar.
TSM thought maybe he (or I) could persuade him to put on a show just for me. (Haha!)
I stood there thinking: Gees, if he puts on a show for me alone, will I have to laugh at all of his jokes just so he wouldn’t feel bad?
At that point, Alistair Barrie himself has come up to me, apologising that the show is cancelled, that he’s got new materials hoping to bounce off an audience, but unfortunately, just me is not gonna do. However, if I’d go on to his website and drop him a line, I might be able to smooch off him and get to see another show of his.
He offered his hand and a huge smile: “I’m Al by the way.”
I felt bad for him. Imagine no one wants to see your show?
But you know what? I travelled all that way and didn’t see a show. But I shook the hand of a very strikingly handsome man with a wonderful smile and I really appreciated the fact that he came to speak to me personally. I think I might go see him next time, just because of that.
(I know, girls are such suckers.)
“Hey, I am in London now and wondered if you’d like to meet up for a drink.”
“You know, since I have my car here, I thought maybe we could drive to Windsor and have a look around?”
“When I first met <my wife> she was 19.”
“You know, the only reason I married her was because I couldn’t get rid of her! She was totally in love with me!”
“So I took care of her, you know. I let her stayed in one of my flats. It’s like that you know. You take care of people, they take care of you.”
“I’m a man of action. I mean, if I married someone my age, today, all she would want to do is sit at home you know? That is not me at all.”
“Oh yeah, I was in the merchant navy, and I travelled all around the world. I lived in Australia for a while…I lived in New Zealand.”
“Oh yeah, those were the days. The girls in New Zealand….you know, they are strong healthy chicks…”
“I have several properties around London. You know, there’s this flat in Hyde Park that has 6 girls. Yeah, all of them pretty girls.”
“I used to work as a photographer too. I took photos of naked women sometimes. But you gotta be careful you know. We got arrested once in New Zealand, and that really put me off.”
“Oh yeah, I like to meet up for a chat with guys too you know. I meet guys too. There are some really interesting guys.”
“I am flying first class to Thailand on Tuesday.”
“You know, I’m a travelling man, and I like company.”
“Of course I won’t tell <my wife> that I’ve met up with you. What?! You’d tell your boyfriend? Look, let me tell you something, sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Sometimes, it’s better not to know too much, you know?”
“Yeah, there was this time when I met up with this girl in Slovenia, and one thing led to another, you know, and we had a cuddle. But of course I wasn’t going to tell <my wife>. Why would I?”
“You know, I’ve taken many girls out, but you are the first Oriental girl I have taken out.”
“You look really nice in your jeans.”
“Well, I’m in a position in life where I am able to help people and provide for them. The reason I called you is that there is this room available in one of my properties here in London, and if you are ever in trouble, or if you need any help, it’s available.”
“You know, if you’d like to, we can go back to my place and I can cook up something for dinner.”
“How involved are you in your relationship?”
“Look, I took a long time to think about whether to call you or not. I cannot spend time with you if you are involved with someone else.”
“You think I’d call you out just for a drink? I have 30 tenants around here and they are all young pretty girls. I can drink with any of them I want.”
“This is just a waste of time.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Yes, those are things that were actually said by my white-haired ex-landlord in his late 50s/early 60s. And over the course of the afternoon, that is how conversation progressed.
I don’t know how “meeting up for a drink” turned into “taking an Oriental girl out”. What are we? Still living in the colonial era?
I took comfort in the fact that I’d put my pen-knife in my pocket and that I can always out-punch, out-kick, and out-run him.
To be honest, I don’t know what to make of it, except that it contributed to a very bad weekend.
This Q&A column, written tongue-in-cheek, must be the best explanation for the phenomenon of these “boyfriend’s jeans” I keep seeing in shops.
Here’s the Q and the first (and best) paragraph of the A:
“Boyfriend blazer, boyfriend jeans – why do fashion magazines keep telling me to wear my hypothetical boyfriend’s clothes? And what part of his wardrobe should I steal next?
R Merrill, by email
Because having a boyfriend means you’re cool, duh, because it means you must be pretty and someone, somewhere wants to have sex with you. Did you learn nothing in high school, R Merrill? And wearing clothes that look as if you’ve nicked them from aforementioned proof of desirability suggests that maybe – just maybe – you had sex last night and have insouciantly (a pretty word for “lazily”) dressed yourself from his wardrobe as opposed to conscientiously going home to get changed properly.“
Have you really thought about it? I haven’t. But I think this is probably the real marketing reason behind all these boyfriend clothes I see around these days.
Girls, we are geniusly pathetic.
…do not shout at him/her “Ni Hao!” (Hello! in Mandarin) and then giggle because:
- she’ll think you’re an idiot
- she does not find it funny/endearing
- she might not actually be Chinese
- she probably speaks English
…and if she ignores you, don’t try out “Konichiwah!” (Hello! in Japanese) because:
- she could be Korean
- she finds you even more irritating
…and if she is still unresponsive, do not shout out “Wo Ai Ni!” (I love you! in Chinese) because:
- that’s how the term “stupid white men” is coined
I’d imagined if I’m actually a British-born-Chinese who does not identify with the Chinese and their culture at all, I’d be immensely annoyed.
Nasty hated it when he was in China and random people kept shouting “Hello!” in English at him and running away. WTF?
I don’t know why this keeps happening since I’ve moved. Perhaps there’s a lack of Chinese-looking Asians in this area.
What I find most offensive is that this doesn’t happen at all if Nasty is with me. So I take it this is occuring due to me being a lone foreign female, which says something about sexism and prejudice?
Or perhaps I should just take it all in stride and shout out something back in……Irish?!
Recent Comments